Afternoon, mister. Say, you look a bit lost. Pardon me for saying so, but you aren’t from ’round here, are ya?
What tipped me off? Well, for one, you’re the only guy here without a vest. But never mind that. Where ya headed? The big gray fortress? Going for the shortcut to the spade card, eh? Well, you’re lucky you bumped into me. It’s a bit tricky getting there.
You actually gotta turn back the way you came. Go about three or four dancing bushes and take a right on Van Nuys Boulevard. Just stay on there until you get to the freeway, then head south at the on-ramp.
Although, you could just talk to the guy out back. Tell him you’re looking to invest in whistles, he’ll know what you’re talking about. ‘Course, first you’ll need to find that darn hammer. Think it’s in the desert somewh—
Y’know what? Forget all that. Take the Van Nuys, hop on the freeway, and get off on Exit 3. Yup, the exit on this shirt right here. Go ahead, take it, my gift. Those retro black and white symbols look good on that royal blue American Apparel shirt, don’t they?
There ya go, now. Much nicer than a plain old map. Hmm? What’s that? Never you mind what’s in the other two chests, you got a free shirt! It’ll help you on your way. Speaking of which, you should be on your way now, as I’ve got other players to help. This fungus-shaped gas station doesn’t run itself!
Wear this shirt: while outrunning a murderous sun or swimming in frog pajamas.
Buy this shirt for: anyone who prefers an NES to a GPS.
This shirt goes well with: Tanooki suits and Kuribo shoes.
